Willingness can be defined as “the state of preparedness to do something that is necessary” or “readiness to do something”.
It is perhaps one of the most important factors in determining therapeutic progress, and yet it’s not necessarily something that is explicitly discussed unless there is an obvious reluctance to engage. Booking an appointment is certainly demonstrating some level of willingness to seek help or achieve insight…and that is fantastic. Truly! A lot of people don’t ever have the courage to take that step!
If turning up is all you are capable of right now, that’s ok! It is a journey. You’re doing the best you can, and we will absolutely support you in that! And, at the same time, without a deeper level of willingness moving forward, simply turning up may not be enough to truly bring about the change you desire.
We as psychologists are driven to help our clients. We genuinely care. And at the same time, much as we often find ourselves trying, we cannot do the real work for you. Often clients picture us to be experts that can “fix them” or “fix their issues”, however, therapists are not like mechanics, and people are not like cars. We have training and experience and knowledge of many evidence-based strategies to share with you, and we always strive to create a supportive space where you can reflect and be yourself…but we are not able to change your lives for you. Only you can do that!
Willingness in Different Types of Therapy
CBT
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy requires a willingness to work on changing thoughts or behaviours. For example, exposure therapy to overcome fear or anxiety requires a willingness to face things that make you afraid. If someone is not willing, and instead continues to avoid the things that make them anxious, it’s likely fear-reduction will be limited. Behavioural Activation to conquer depression requires a willingness to do things even when you don’t feel motivated. If a client continues to isolate and withdraw, it is likely that they will continue to feel flat and disinterested in things that used to give them pleasure!
CBT also requires a willingness to reflect and acknowledge the negative beliefs that hold you back, and then a further willingness to actually work towards changing them. This is really hard if you’ve been thinking them for so long that they feel like facts! Or it may require a willingness to practice breathing or relaxation skills to help regulate your physiological arousal so that you are better able to manage distress. Without practicing these strategies between sessions, it is unlikely a client will feel confident using them at times they could really help!
DBT
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy explicitly teaches willingness as a skill to be learned and practiced in all areas of life. Willingness is described as a willingness to respond to life’s situations wisely, as needed, voluntarily, and without grudge. Essentially it is to accept each situation as it is and do what is needed to respond effectively. Fully participating mindfully, and wholeheartedly. It is described as the opposite of Wilfulness, which is where we refuse to accept facts or reality as they are, and instead try to control events or those around us, sit on our hands doing nothing, or refuse to truly participate in our lives or do what is needed. Often clients say things like “That won’t work” or “I tried it and nothing changed”. Those are often clues that wilfulness has shown up!
There is a big difference between grudgingly going through the motions or trying something once and giving up; versus fully committing all the way to doing what is needed. A common metaphor used is that life is like playing a game of cards. The most skilful players are those that play the hand they’ve been given. Not the one they wish they had! If they get dealt a bad hand they don’t throw their cards down and storm off, they don’t give up and just fling any old card down, and they don’t ruminate on the hand before, or worry they might be dealt another bad hand afterwards. Instead, they willingly and wholeheartedly focus on the hand they have now, and what is the most effective way to play it! Willingness in DBT is a big component of therapy in the sense that it requires being willing to learn new skills, to practice them in session, and to go home and generalise them to other areas of life. However, it is more than that. Willingness is a way of living, of facing every challenge that arises, of accepting the experiences of life, both good and bad, and recognising we each have the capacity to either struggle against reality, give up and do nothing, or instead wisely figure out what is likely to be most effective.
ACT
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) frames willingness in two ways. Firstly, as an acceptance of all internal experiences. This includes thoughts, images, feelings, and memories. Secondly, it involves a willingness to do what it takes to live a rich and meaningful life in accordance with our values. So, with regards to the first one, willingness involves opening up and making room for painful or unwanted thoughts or feelings. Truly accepting, rather than just tolerating their presence. Instead of trying not to feel anxious, or not to be sad, or trying desperately to avoid or shut down or distract from our painful thoughts or memories, ACT teaches us that living a meaningful life can be done even with these things in our life. We can never “get rid of” anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, shame, or guilt because to be alive is to experience a full range of emotions, both painful and joyous. To try to deny those that are painful only leaves us hooked by the very thoughts and feelings we are desperately trying to avoid. The second part of how ACT frames willingness is that we do what it takes to move forward in valued living. We choose to willingly do things that matter to us, even if it means those painful thoughts and feelings will show up!
Therapy and life in general
Whilst CBT, DBT, and ACT are some of the most common evidence-based approaches that psychologists practice, there are many other forms of therapy that do not include components around teaching skills or strategies to practice outside of session. But no matter what therapeutic framework is used, therapeutic change requires willingness in some capacity! Perhaps it’s a willingness to be vulnerable and share with us what is really on your mind. Perhaps it’s a willingness to put scepticism or fear aside and try new things. Perhaps it’s a willingness to reflect upon your life, your experiences, your deepest fears, shame, or guilt. Or perhaps it’s a willingness to let yourself truly be seen. To believe us when we say you don’t need fixing because you are not broken. You are human. And to be human is to be full of complexities, to experience pain, to live in a world where we cannot control the things or people we desperately want to control. These things are hard! It makes sense that not everyone will be ready to engage in therapy in this way immediately.
The same is true for life. It’s hard to achieve a deeper sense of meaning or vitality if you’re not willing to move out your comfort zone sometimes, or if you’re not willing to accept that the flipside of joy is often pain. Sometimes in order to love we must accept there’s a risk of being hurt. In order to succeed we must accept there is a risk of failure. Living a meaningful life requires more than simply showing up. More than going through the motions and wishing things were different, or waiting for other people to change. We need to be willing to embrace life in all its messy glory, and to accept that the only thing we can truly control is our own actions, however unfair that may seem at times!
So, take a minute to pause and ask yourself that question. How willing are you to do what it takes to live your best life, whatever that may be? And if you are feeling willing, what's your first step?