When a baby is first born, most of us recognise it doesn’t yet have the skills to regulate its own emotions. Whether it is frightened, upset, tired, or frustrated, it normally requires a caregiver to step in and provide comfort, nurturing, and a sense of safety before it can start to calm down and relax. This process is called co-regulation. The caregiver’s presence, attunement, and soothing actions help the baby to regulate. And the process is often reciprocal. When the baby is distressed the caregiver often also experiences a rise in emotional intensity themselves, and as their responsiveness helps the baby to calm down, often the parent’s own feelings change or reduce in intensity too!
As babies grow into toddlers, and toddlers grow into children, and children grow into teenagers, and teenagers grow into adults, our expectations often change. We start to presume that the individual should no longer need this help. That they should be able to regulate their own feelings, calm themselves when angry or scared, soothe themselves when hurt or upset, and to master the way they react to difficult feelings. And to some extent this does makes sense! Most of us do gain independence as we mature. We become better at handling big feelings. Our brains develop, and the rational part becomes more able to balance out the raw emotions that often fuel dysregulated behaviours. But what if these expectations do still at times exceed our capacity? What if all of us sometimes need a little help?
No matter the age, if one person is unable to self-regulate, they may require another person to provide a sense of calmness or safety that allows them to feed off of this to de-escalate. This is particularly likely when someone has experienced trauma, but can be needed by anyone of any age in times when their level of stress exceeds their capacity to cope. Emotional dysregulation involves activation of our sympathetic nervous systems- our fight/flight response – and if we are unable to self-regulate because these physical changes are so overwhelming, it’s often critical that we can mirror or draw upon another’s state of physical calmness. We can’t fight fire with fire as far as emotions go. We need the opposite to bring us back down.
Co-Regulation in the Early Years.
If you’re the parent of an infant or toddler, co-regulation is a really important concept that can help make parenting so much easier!
· Because babies lack the capacity to understand or express things verbally, non-verbal cues are particularly important. Gentle tone of voice, eye-contact, soothing repetition of words or sounds, physical comfort, feeding, rocking, cuddling, baby massage, softly singing, or holding them close to your body can all be helpful things to try. Co-regulation involves attunement and observing their responses, and then adapting your response accordingly. If they are overstimulated you might notice them avoiding eye contact and thrashing around. In this case trying to gaze intently at them might make things worse. At other times if they’re feeling scared or lonely and are seeking connection, lovingly gazing into their eyes as you gently coo might be exactly what they need!
· With a toddler or pre-schooler, it’s important to remember that co-regulation is a precursor to self-regulation. Teaching them to manage big feelings requires you to first assist them in this process! Instead of joining them in their chaos, they need you to be the calmness to their storms. By simply being with them and gently validating their feelings you can help them to de-escalate from meltdowns far more effectively than if you try to reason with their emotionally overwhelmed little brains! Helping them put words to their experiences can be really beneficial, but often in this age group offering hugs, affection, remaining patient and calm, and simply helping them to ride things out is critical. And after you’ve acknowledged and validated their feelings, distraction can also be a very handy tool. One of the joys of this age group is that they tend to live in the moment, so helping them shift their focus can often enable them to move on pretty quickly!
Co-Regulation in Older Kids and Teens
· As children grow-up they can sometimes seem mature beyond their years. They can demonstrate such insight, awareness, and intellect that it’s easy to forget their brains are still a long way away from being fully developed. Language can become more important in helping them to regulate, but it’s often still important to draw upon the idea of helping their nervous systems calm down first. Having a soothing voice, offering hugs or physical affection, active listening without judgement, or offering to go on a walk to help them cool down can all go a long way!
· As part of this, the biggest strength a parent can utilise is awareness of their own emotions and continuing to work on self-regulating so that they can be that stable base for their child to turn to for support. Remaining calm, warm, empathetic, and attuned are life-skills that require ongoing practice, and they are invaluable when parenting any age group. Perhaps this means regularly practicing breathing exercises, or scheduling in mini-mindfulness breaks to ask yourself how you’re coping and acknowledge any feelings you may be trying to suppress? Perhaps it means sticking to an exercise schedule, or prioritising sleep, or finding the time for hobbies or interests away from parenting which help you feel calm. Or perhaps it’s finding your own therapist to hear and understand how frustrating or overwhelming parenting or other life stresses can be.
· Another thing to perhaps reflect on is how as our expectations for children grow, we sometimes lose our empathy and compassion if they aren’t responding the way we believe they should. The same parent that may have had mountains of patience for their baby or toddler can find themselves directing a lot of blame and criticism towards their older child. This blame and criticism is often what fuels the fires of conflict and maintains a pattern where the young person can become quick to anger, refuse parental assistance or advice, or turn away from seeking support when they’re upset. If they’re already struggling with self-regulation it’s vital they don’t miss out on the benefits of co-regulation too! Don’t let your hurt or anger bubble over if your child pushes you away. Instead see it as communication that they may be feeling uncertain as to whether they will get the kind of emotional support they need. Ask yourself if you’ve been blaming them for not self-regulating in a way that makes it hard for them to co-regulate with you? Are your expectations realistic and fair? Do you as a parent yell or snap at them, and yet get angry or punish them for these same behaviours?
Co-Regulation in Adulthood
· I doubt there’s many of us that can truly say we’re always able to regulate without the assistance of another person. All of us have times when we feel overwhelmed, upset, angry, or scared; and despite our best efforts to soothe ourselves, may find that turning towards another is what really helps. That time you had a difficult day at work and your partner gave you a hug or validated your experience may be an example. The time you phoned your mum or dad or sibling and heard their loving voice and immediately felt a sense of comfort may be another. Or that time you went out with a friend and just by being around them it helped you to feel better. Or what about when you looked over at a colleague during a work meeting and made eye-contact that reassured you, or you spoke to a manager who calmly helped you to problem-solve something you were stressed about. These could all be examples of adult-to-adult co-regulation in action.
· So, reflecting on adult relationships through this lens can be really interesting. Particularly when it comes to romantic partnerships. Do you tend to soothe and comfort one another, or do you tend to escalate dysregulation in one another? What happens when one of you finds yourself in a fight/flight state of anxiety, anger, or distress? Does the other one help to soothe and comfort until the threat has passed, or do they get frustrated or angry with the other for “over-reacting” - leading to escalation of conflict, or distance in the relationship which over time erodes the feeling of safety? Do you both turn towards self-regulation versus co-regulation in equal amounts, or is there a mismatch which is fuelling conflict? If one of you has a tendency to self-regulate, whereas the other has a tendency to reach out and try to connect when they’re struggling how does this play out between you?
· If you notice a partner, friend, or loved one is struggling emotionally, how can you aid the process of enabling them to co-regulate? Perhaps focusing on active listening and a calm, gentle, demeanour? Or physically connecting through a hug, eye contact, squeeze of the hand or shoulder? Or if you’re the one who needs to co-regulate, can you begin to recognise this and name it? For example, telling someone “I’m really struggling to calm myself down, could you sit with me, or give me a hug until I feel better”?
· Both self-regulation and co-regulation are important in our relationships. And arguably it’s impossible for co-regulation to occur unless at least one person is skilled enough at self-regulation to provide the starting point for the reciprocal benefits to occur. So, if your goal is to help someone in your life manage their emotions: whether that’s a child, partner, family member, or friend, then strengthening your awareness and repertoire of helpful responses to your own emotions could be a wonderful place to start!